Things are....looking up? I think.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
A lot about my job, my life, my future, that scrapbook I'm trying to do...and I truly have come to realize I am never gonna get it.

I talked to Fr. Mike and Sr. Virginia about my struggles, odds are I just needed to get it all off my chest. I talked to the principal about how can we get kids coming to youth groups, i talked to parish council....I talked. I told people. Sunday is only a few days away. We'll see what happens. I don't hate my job. I don't hate ministry, i just don't know how much longer I want to do it professionally. But regardless, it's where I am right now, and I have kids that are trusting me and looking at me for guidance to Jesus. And I have convinced myself that until I do my best, I have not done my job. So i press on.

My life...Isn't it amazing how a song can bring back memories of past? I was listening to Graham Colton Band today "Morning Light " It took me back to a kitchen in a high school in South Carolina, it took me back to long long long bus rides and intense talks with people who were strangers merely weeks before,
it took me back to a summer love that IS OVER. Why can we not remember the ending but only the good times when we hear music? I made the choice...I am happy....but still I remember the rush of good conversation, a summer of questions and traveling around the East Coast with 10 of the most amazing people I have ever met. Swimming, running, singing, dancing, praising God....What an amazing and emotional 30 minute ride to Hannibal with that song on repeat can make.


" Everything you feel.saying what is real. Dont go away. Say you'll stay til the morning light, and don't fade away into gray standing in the light. I tried to smile and laugh as you turned away but I was bleeding. Everyting I feel. I make believe is real. Dont go away. Say you'll stay til the morning light. "


But it was good. All of it. It was good.


As for my future I finally feel that I know where it lies. I went to Edwardsville for the weekend. We competed in Pom, got 3rd place which is alright, it was our first competition. But I went with that on hand but the majority of my excitement landed in seeing Christopher...I basically slept for the 4 days I was there. I have never felt so sick in my life. Couldn't taste, smell, breathe...I was coughing like crazy....stupid stupid stupid. But he rubbed my head, didn't wake me up, made me oatmeal, warmed up my car when I had to be at competition at 7 a.m., found me cough drops tissues and always made sure my toes were covered when I was sleeping....and I love him. I cried for appx. 1 hour after i left cause I am so sick of leaving him. I know its kind of babyish, but I just want to see him for once without the minutes that I have left passing by so quickly everytime I am there. But whatever. I was more upset because unless I go back this weekend ($$$$) I won't see him til March 8th. :0!!! Yikes. It's not even Feb. yet! So anyways, point being...I'm ready for him to be done with school, ready to figure out our lives and ready...just ready to be able to be with him for longer than 3 days with a 2 month break in between.

He makes me happy.



As for everything else in my life...I for the most part cannot complain. I have realized over the last week how blessed I am, I just need to be focusing on the blessings instead of the things that are bugging me. I thought i learned that a long time ago.
Christopher's sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this Summer :) HOORAY!
Now I just have to decide if I am going to be on team for CHWC again this summer.?!!?!?

We shall see. we shall see.

If I were a quitter.....I would quit.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging and the worst of my life.


I just need somewhere to get this all out. I hate my job(s) Can I say that? Can I hate ministry? I thought I would love it I thought I would make it fun, I thought I could get through this. I hate coaching.

No one showed up for middle school last night....now I know its not about numbers, but it is when the attendance is 0. High school was 5. my 5 regulars who proceeded to tell me confirmation class was boring and they are bored with it. I've run out of ideas. I'm sitting here, emotionally and spiritually drained with no faith in a God who got me here and I have nowhere to go.

In the past year we have had 5 girls quit pom. For reasons that I am unaware of ( just not fun anymore, grades are dropping, my uncle is dying, that one was a lie, and family issues) the 6th is about to quit because she doesn't like her place in the competition routine formation. Her mom called and said unless she gets put in the front, she's quitting....awesome. I'm not okay with letting someone threaten me and having control over the way I coach. My other coach, who I love deeply, thinks that we should change the formation because we can't lose anymore girls, considering we go to competition in less than 1 week. ?!?!?!?!?!?!? I just don't agree, but I don't want to lose anymore girls either....I guess there are rumors going around about our coaching and how we must be doing something terribly wrong because a lot of people are quitting....but all we've tried to do was push them to be their best. They wanted 1st place adn we've tried to get them there.

I'm ready for an 8-5 m-f job and a personal life with people who understand me. I want the pressure of being a youth minister and a coach to be gone. I can't stand it and it is making me into a bitter faithless person. I am not where I want to be but is it possible to serve God outside the church? I've convinced myself "no." But I want to so bad. I want to so so so so so bad. One year. That's the time when I decide. I can't go on like this much longer.


Ashleigh

Here it is...

Here is the song that I wrote that i recently posted.
I recorded it in a dark church (hence the echo) and I have a HORRIBLE cold. SO i apologize in advance for the stuffiness.
But here's to it! Cheers
Ashleigh

Enchanted....I want a fairytale, I believe there's one out there for me :)

I went with my mom and sister and brother to see "Enchanted" this weekend.....Small announcement: " THIS IS THE CUTEST MOVIE EVER". Thank you.


Is it so much to ask to be swept off your feet by Patrick Dempsey? Didn't think so.
Oh McDreamy, you've done it again.
Really though, best movie i've seen in a long time.
I often wish my life was like that though, I want to be the princess, singing through the streets of New York searching to find my Prince only to find the man who didn't want me has fallen in love with the person I am :)
AHH Fairy Tales.
SO CUTE.


I'd settle for Jon McLaughlin. I want to love him. He's my mcdreamy.


Chris is good looking though too...Maybe I'll stick to real life for once...

"I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss!"

Emotions yesterday...different today...

Here's the song....for Kate.
In detail description of the situation later.
I'm happy. I really am. Thank God.
TODAY. I'm happy.
And I dont have to live in "what ifs"
Amen. This song has a name, but it's a name im not ready to share at this point ;)


So..."A song"

There once was a dock on a small lake

I talked to you like you were my best friend

You told me the stories of a man who changed your life

I told you the secrets of how you were changing mine

The beauty of summer love is that the summer is what its for

Don’t look back it’ll bite you again

But I want to go back, just to feel that rush again

You’re so far away, my heart is even farther and the one I love is closer than you know.

Toes dripped in the water my legs draped on yours

I laughed as I called people we both knew

Trying to get their approval of something they called from the start

We said we’d fly to see if it could work, imagine that…we never flew.

The beauty of summer love is that the summer is what its for

Don’t look back, it’ll drag you in again

But I want to go back the tears became the water dripping from my toes

Your home is where you are, and here I am too and away from you is what I want to do

That picnic bench was perfect for the nose to nose we shared

I remember asking myself if you were worth this

It took a little while for me to shake that silly smile

And the beach is where I landed your sweet lips

Maybe you’re right and yes I do believe

That hes got 1000 miles and 17 hours on you

But he’s good for me, he makes me free

And when it comes down to it, you never called when you said its what you would do.

So gone are the days of the toes of the laughter

Praising a God together in a chapel that became a home

And I will never forget, the note in my hand

Before I shared with the world a story, I wanted to forget.

If words could save a life, which I think that they can do

“you are gorgeous” became the pride in me but I cant give my love to you.

And now I’m back at home.

Happy Halloween...

Now, You may be wondering why this post is labeled Happy Halloween but I am writing in blue/pink...


MY MOM IS HAVING ANOTHER BABYYYYYY :)

How exciting huh? God answers when we ask him if we should move far away. Something to keep my occupied while I spend more time in Quincy then I had expected, but now I have wonderful reason to.

Other than that things are going pretty well...I am going to Ohio next week for National Catholic Youth Conference (that makes me excited) While nervous, to see a few people...I am more excited to get pumped up again. :)

I am going to see Christopher tomorrow and as always, that makes me happy. SO...with that being said...Happy Halloween and baby having :)
YYYYEEEEE HAW!!!


Today was the first day i ever considered auditioning for something....haven't done that for awhile sooo...hmmm...
anywho BYE

Music life...

Let me tell you what happens when I go to concerts.
I want to be on stage. I think that I mostly lack self confidence when it comes to my music. I know that I love to sing. I know that I love to write. And I know the feeling that I get when someone says "play that one song about..." or when my daughter in my sorority always said " I play your CD everyday, now its scratched because i played it too long....it sings my life" There is something about "getting people" that I love. Maybe its because I long for songs that explain the way I am feeling and I just fall in love with the artists heart when I hear them. They don't have to be sappy, sometimes they are about the most beautiful things in life or even the most simplistic. I just love the way music knocks you off your feet when it gets to you.
Sometimes I feel like I could do it. Make a career out of music and travel the world "getting people"...then again I often wonder, is it worth it? Is it really what I want....then again I have never known what exactly I want, and as I mentioned in my last post, I have real life ADD....i get sick and bored of what I am doing so quickly.

I just want to sit and write. and find the person who can make me into the musician i always dreamed of being.


New Song:

Then HE took the Cup gave thanks and praise and shared with me
shared with me
died upon a cross, flesh and blood just for me, so I could be spottless and free.
And how blessed am I that even when I'm not worthy to receive you say the words. And heal me.
CHORUS:
I'm lost inside whats real and make believe as bread and wine are transformed in front of me and I.....
Im sick of emotion taking over me, Jesus make this as real as it can be so I.....
Are you present in my tears? Are you there when overwhelmed is what defines me?
You say "I am" so I know you're here.

Then HE took the bread, broke it and said "my body, which I will give for you"
He died upon a cross flesh and blood just for me so i could be spottless and free.
And how precious is it that you would come from Heaven. To meet with me for a single blink and second.
And even when im not worthy to receive, you say the words. You heal me.
CHORUS

Sitting in a dark church, wondering how many lives were changed today.
A baby in white was baptized in this very room today
And his sins were washed away
cause of your Cross they are wiped away. SO someday

He'll be lost inside whats real and make believe as bread and wine are transformed in front of him and he...
he'll be sick of emotions taking over him, Jesus cradle him in your grip again, so you
can be present in his tears
and there when overwhelmed is what defines him.
There you are so i know you're here.