Because, he asked me to.

So, this is a favor for a friend, but I figure anyone else who wants in on the info, will enjoy it to...if that's anyone...
So here are the "Backround thoughts" to the songs on my CD "Blankets of Emotion"

1.) The Paige Song- Paige is one of the funnies people i have ever met in my life, The song is about 1st times for everything, but also it has so many hidden meanings in it. This song is my most "Clever song" The meanings are in places that no one would realize and I like it that way, it holds a special place in my heart, as does Paige. But it also has to do with letting people go. Letting friends move on, drifiting away and moving to new friends. No matter what you do or say, there is a point in life where you have to let people go. This song was my way of letting go and growing up...realizing it was time to branch out and make new friends, while remembering the sweet times i had shared with my best friends to date.
:)

2.) Beautiful Girl- Beautiful Girl is one of the most honest songs I think i have ever written. It's a song about wanting someone and coming to t erms with the fact that you're not always going to be #1. There's going to be someone taller, thinner, nicer, hotter, and ....no matter what you do....short of changing yourself, you're left hopeless sometimes. I wrote it in between relationships, a little about the ex boyfriend and a little about the guy I liked...Neither one of them gave me the attention I felt I deserved and I was frustrated. I felt like not only am i not the most beautiful girl in the world, but there is someone out there better....someone out there they desire more than me...
A lot of it is about defining a relationship. I wanted a "name" on things. I was tired of being wishy washy. "I'm only famous in your bed" what a controversial line for me. hahahha....the line really is just a meaning that I'm only your favorite when we're alone, aside from that I'm not the most beautiful girl. But The line in every chorus is "Foolishly I believe you'll turn around and my prayers will turn out alright" I just wanted to be loved in a selfless way. Foolishly I believed I could change someone. No worries, I've learned my lesson!

3.)ENOUGH- Ah. The refreshing, I'm walking away from heartbreak song. Its when you're head and your heart don't agree and all you want is someone...the song is about the little things. The blankets, the routine of life, the way feet touch when you snuggle, its about the simplicity of relationships. But then its wondering why in the world you can't let go of the little things and remember the big things that happen that drive you away. Its knowing your better off without someone, but never wanting to face it. Again, missing "whatever sort of rtelationship we've had" its the "defining" things. I wanted a name. I wanted a title. and I couldn't have one. I just wanted to move on so badly and the thought of someone you want is just hanging in your head.

Towards the end I talk abotu the frustrations of not being able to come up with the words to explain tosomeone. I didn't want them to understand me, I wanted hiim to change his mind.

"I love you is too much, but i like you's not enough" - Best line i've ever written. Most honest and deepest line. But yet, along with the song....simple. I wouldn't marry you, but i dont wanna let you go forever either.

Confusion is basically where I was at...but at the end of the song, I "let go" I've missed you enough means, im done missing.

4.) Lonely Anymore- Exactly what it sounds like. I sat on my friend Alex's driveway one starry night and he supported me as I wrote this song. We both laughed as we sulked in our loneliness. He helped me realize I didn't need a guy, I didn't need a new home, I didn't need anything else, I had everything I needed. He saved me from the monster that was eating me....But it was a cry to God to do the same. I needed the "im not good enough monster" to go away. I didn't want to be lonely. I realized that night that God was big enough to make me okay with myself. I didn't go home that night. we laid on the driveway and talked about God. This is a daily battle for me, wanting to not be lonely and wanting a place to be my own. ...I've grown a lot since I've written this song, The struggle is not as strong, but there were a lot of tears that night...and I'll never forget our friend Ryan playing Harmonica with me, i couldn't finish my own song cause it sounded so good with him there.

5.) Wishes- This song is about wishing.... Plain and simple. The words are pretty up front, I liked him and he had no idea, i simply wanted so badly to know if he even felt remotely the same. We were "great friends" and I wondered if he EVER thought of me different. He hadn't and once I told him things got strange. hahaha....the end is mean. I said it pretty straight that I was sick of the games and being tricked and ...so long to you. I acted like a badass. Turns out Im still with him 3 years later. hahahahah. :) But it applies to a lot of relationships, just the wishing for someone before they know and the "obsession" that it becomes, you think about them so much! Back and forth and upsidedown, all the possibilities.....My mind always does that when i find potential in someone. That's what it's about. :)

6.) Sweet Dreams- A love song. If I knew tomorrow wouldn't come, these were the words I needed to say to him. I needed him to know. There really is no explanation other than i felt I could go to sleep and not worry he wouldn't know the way I felt if I never woke up. I was going through a really tough time, and somedays I didn't know if tomorrow was going to come...He was my saving grace and this song told the story. If you listen to the bass line, it sounds like a funeral march, I was unaware of that when I wrote it, but realized later, that it was powerful to a lot of poeple. :)

7.) The Price You Pay- Its the breakup song...I wrote it MAD at the world. Its don't make fun of me, dont bring me down to a bad person, but stop expecting so much from me when you just broke my heart! I knew I could never be mad at the person I wrote this for forever. I'd always have a place in my heart for him and whatever, thats the price you pay when you start relying on someone and feel they're perfect, you come to find that they're not...and you're let down.
It was a therapeutic song for me, it let me let go. my voice usually goes away when I sing it and im usually worn out....and that's how i felt when I wrote it. Worn out and just done.

8.) Scream- Scream is a call out to God. That if he wants my innocence, He needs to tell me how to keep it, cause I was losing it. I wanted so badly to be good and innocent but then there were so many temptations in my life at that point to just give in to a lot of things. It's a song that is calling out to God to just GET THROUGH to me, whatever he had to do, get through. I needed him to scream, but it was in realization of the Cross, and all of creation that he had screamed. He had given me everything I could hope for....and I was the one missing it! He had screamed, i just had to listen. Upon realizing that, I found that my task at hand, was to encourage other people to listen. And thats why it says "God for your name I want nothing but to scream" I want to tell people about Jesus, forgiveness and all the amazing things that come with Christ, but come also with a price of challenging ourselves to keep our innocence.



Hope this is good enough explanation for you....there are new songs, hopefully a new cd coming...If you want to hear the songs, go to facebook and look me up ashleigh douglas and there should be a flag by my name, all my songs are on my fan website. Be a fan of me :)
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE


Im not a negative person, its just that music is the way i express negative stuff, so i come off that way!
Ashleigh

8.)

God? Are you playing Games???

Today has been a PERFECT day. Sure, its had its hiccups, but i have been happy all day, productive, organized and purely purely happy.

I absolutely love this day.


The feeling in the pit of my stomach right now is.....


" God gives us good days, Thank Him". Good days make me wonder what God is up to and what's about to come....


I am truly a girl who FEARS my LORD.

"He has plans to prosper you, not to harm you"
...I guess it will be fine.
I'll continue whistling, being productive and having an awesome day.


:) Hope the same is for you :)

Things are....looking up? I think.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
A lot about my job, my life, my future, that scrapbook I'm trying to do...and I truly have come to realize I am never gonna get it.

I talked to Fr. Mike and Sr. Virginia about my struggles, odds are I just needed to get it all off my chest. I talked to the principal about how can we get kids coming to youth groups, i talked to parish council....I talked. I told people. Sunday is only a few days away. We'll see what happens. I don't hate my job. I don't hate ministry, i just don't know how much longer I want to do it professionally. But regardless, it's where I am right now, and I have kids that are trusting me and looking at me for guidance to Jesus. And I have convinced myself that until I do my best, I have not done my job. So i press on.

My life...Isn't it amazing how a song can bring back memories of past? I was listening to Graham Colton Band today "Morning Light " It took me back to a kitchen in a high school in South Carolina, it took me back to long long long bus rides and intense talks with people who were strangers merely weeks before,
it took me back to a summer love that IS OVER. Why can we not remember the ending but only the good times when we hear music? I made the choice...I am happy....but still I remember the rush of good conversation, a summer of questions and traveling around the East Coast with 10 of the most amazing people I have ever met. Swimming, running, singing, dancing, praising God....What an amazing and emotional 30 minute ride to Hannibal with that song on repeat can make.


" Everything you feel.saying what is real. Dont go away. Say you'll stay til the morning light, and don't fade away into gray standing in the light. I tried to smile and laugh as you turned away but I was bleeding. Everyting I feel. I make believe is real. Dont go away. Say you'll stay til the morning light. "


But it was good. All of it. It was good.


As for my future I finally feel that I know where it lies. I went to Edwardsville for the weekend. We competed in Pom, got 3rd place which is alright, it was our first competition. But I went with that on hand but the majority of my excitement landed in seeing Christopher...I basically slept for the 4 days I was there. I have never felt so sick in my life. Couldn't taste, smell, breathe...I was coughing like crazy....stupid stupid stupid. But he rubbed my head, didn't wake me up, made me oatmeal, warmed up my car when I had to be at competition at 7 a.m., found me cough drops tissues and always made sure my toes were covered when I was sleeping....and I love him. I cried for appx. 1 hour after i left cause I am so sick of leaving him. I know its kind of babyish, but I just want to see him for once without the minutes that I have left passing by so quickly everytime I am there. But whatever. I was more upset because unless I go back this weekend ($$$$) I won't see him til March 8th. :0!!! Yikes. It's not even Feb. yet! So anyways, point being...I'm ready for him to be done with school, ready to figure out our lives and ready...just ready to be able to be with him for longer than 3 days with a 2 month break in between.

He makes me happy.



As for everything else in my life...I for the most part cannot complain. I have realized over the last week how blessed I am, I just need to be focusing on the blessings instead of the things that are bugging me. I thought i learned that a long time ago.
Christopher's sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this Summer :) HOORAY!
Now I just have to decide if I am going to be on team for CHWC again this summer.?!!?!?

We shall see. we shall see.

If I were a quitter.....I would quit.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging and the worst of my life.


I just need somewhere to get this all out. I hate my job(s) Can I say that? Can I hate ministry? I thought I would love it I thought I would make it fun, I thought I could get through this. I hate coaching.

No one showed up for middle school last night....now I know its not about numbers, but it is when the attendance is 0. High school was 5. my 5 regulars who proceeded to tell me confirmation class was boring and they are bored with it. I've run out of ideas. I'm sitting here, emotionally and spiritually drained with no faith in a God who got me here and I have nowhere to go.

In the past year we have had 5 girls quit pom. For reasons that I am unaware of ( just not fun anymore, grades are dropping, my uncle is dying, that one was a lie, and family issues) the 6th is about to quit because she doesn't like her place in the competition routine formation. Her mom called and said unless she gets put in the front, she's quitting....awesome. I'm not okay with letting someone threaten me and having control over the way I coach. My other coach, who I love deeply, thinks that we should change the formation because we can't lose anymore girls, considering we go to competition in less than 1 week. ?!?!?!?!?!?!? I just don't agree, but I don't want to lose anymore girls either....I guess there are rumors going around about our coaching and how we must be doing something terribly wrong because a lot of people are quitting....but all we've tried to do was push them to be their best. They wanted 1st place adn we've tried to get them there.

I'm ready for an 8-5 m-f job and a personal life with people who understand me. I want the pressure of being a youth minister and a coach to be gone. I can't stand it and it is making me into a bitter faithless person. I am not where I want to be but is it possible to serve God outside the church? I've convinced myself "no." But I want to so bad. I want to so so so so so bad. One year. That's the time when I decide. I can't go on like this much longer.


Ashleigh