Here it goes....

This is the beginning of a "journal"of sorts.
I went to catholic Heart and as always gained weight.
Now, Iknow that that's normal, but Ihave not been ableto get it to startto go away...

It has turned into amajor issue. I now weigh more than I ever have in my life AND...Ifeel awful.
I cry everytime I get dressed, I stare in window reflections atall times, im frustrated, stressed andsacrificing good food for nothing.

This is not only an attempt to lose the weight but an attempt to gain back a belief that I have beautiful qualities beyond a physical appearance.
I just want to want to snuggle again.

Don't tell me I dont need to lose weight. I do.Iam legitimatly "overweight" I am unhealthy.

Nothing Gimmiky,just weight watchers and excercise.

and youseeing me in a sports bra. WOOOOO:)

Here we go.
I will update once a week.


Start weight: 149.8
Goal- 130

YAY FOR CHWC

Our God is such a BIG and glorious God. How blessed am I that He would call me to be a part of such an organization like Catholic Heart Workcamp. God has been so good to me.

Today as I sat through my training to be a manager and through hanging out with all these fellow “staffers” today I have had an overwhelming sense of just how BIG God is. What he has done with this little soul. In a short prayer of “Come Holy Spirit and fill me with the Grace to do BIG things”, He did. He has all things and still He wants me. Wow.

I sat in the room tonight feeling so at peace with my life and with the situations that I have found myself in, in recent months. What a blessing Christopher has been in my life, but how much I find Christ and the true meaning of the “passing on of Faith” in our Beautiful Catholic Church. And while I have found heartbreak in the arguments and the pain of it all, I find Home amidst these people. And these people are the Church. They are MY generation of the church that the man I am so deeply in love with began.

During praise and worship I thought about what a gift and how humbled I am by the call God has given me to serve him. While I am broken, he calls me. While I am arrogant, He calls me and while I intend on questioning and not listening, He gently, yet sternly places on my heart, what later become my own simple, yet most intense, desires.

I am so thankful, so overwhelmed and so humbled at how small I really am. If not for Love, I truly would be nothing. I love this organization and the hope it brings, I love Jesus Christ, the center and the essence of my life, I love these people, the church I belong to, and most of all I love the fact that God, as big as He is, as grand and majestic as He is speaks to someone as limited as I, with such love for the original masterpiece he created.

I am loved. I chose in 7^th grade to be Lucy, a new creation in Christ, and here I am today…Holy Spirit guiding every small fragile step, blessed beyond all measure wondering why in the world I get paid to do this.

Lord, for all you do, for all you are and all you plan for me to be with you, Thank you.

Chicago...

I don't hate what I am doing.
However, I am terribly lonely. My job has had its ups and downs and ya know, I expected that. And now, things are going really well. I am okay with 10 kids. Not content, but I value them. More than they even know.

But I began the search . Fr. Mike asked me if we could get together to sign next years contract. I said I needed some time. SO I took the time, I have been praying hard about where God wants me, but someitmes I feel that God speaks to us in the most silent of ways and the deepest desires of our hearts.
I desire to know him more. I desire to lead others to him...but most of all I desire to have the relationship with Him that I had before I was in ministry as a profession. I understand that I cannot blame my wanting to change jobs and such on God. and I have no intention to...however, I feel like i have to look out for myself and I know at this point that my faith is far from spiritual. It reflects only in actions that have become a front of how much I "know" Christ.


I am so lonely. I desire to do something crazy. I have no attachments right now, no husband, no children no family to tend to adn provide for adn I feel like it's the only time in my life where I am going to be able to do things like give my music a shot, live in a crappy apartment and be broke, and be happy because I am doing something I have dreamed about doing since I was little.

I want to be young. Right now, i am in bed by 10, no friends in the area to hang out with or even have a random lunch with and then to work, that I am isolated from everyone at, then home, make dinner for myself a little american idol...and off to bed. only to do the same thing the next day. An every 3 week visit with the best guy in the world pulls me through..but leaves me in tears every time he leaves.


So. I have decided to move.
I am going to try something new. and i am going to do it without regret. I am going to volunteer and I am going to do something good for the world becasue i desire to and not because i get a paycheck for it.

I hope I don't let anyone down.

Where do you draw the line?

Today I was faced with something I didn't want to be faced with..but I had to be so I was.


I was put in a situation where the girls I coach got in some trouble *or their parents did* and got QND kicked out of all hotels in the Champaign area. Now, there were high school girls with college drunk guys in hotel rooms alone, parents taking shots...and then....there were pictures put up on myspace for the world to see.
Mind you we are a Catholic High School. So, did I have a right, should I have gone off on them the way I did? I told them that Catholic meant they were followers of Christ and they were misrepresenting his name. I felt like I had to. But was I out of line? I am so confused. I feel like being a Christian in this world is getting harder every day. I feel God giving me strength but I dont want people to think that I feel I am better than them. That is never my intention. When do you stand back and when do you step in? Was I right to voice my opinion as I was embarassed to be an alum of QND? Or should I have let it go and left it to the parents to discipline their children.


It's time for a vacation. I can't see one in the near future. But I really need to get away. Any advice, imput, thoughts would be great.
thanks.

my new song....

2003 in the State of Ohio, porch swing cradled my fall
Fall nights with a chill blankets warmer still
Conversations of tears and denial
I told you i did not love him, you told me she'd never stay
But did you lie, make me cry was i right or clearly wrong. Why is she not gone?
You whispered love you baby doll, surprising you against the law.
T.V. lights invade a dark room. A dark room that held both her and you.
Now I miss the fall.

2003 in the State of Ohio, your momma never did tell.
Of the nights i spent there with you the cereal and breakfast food, we became a family so soon.
Birthdays came with added fear, how long could you keep me near
21 underneath the dark moon.
Is where I told you I could not love you, you begged baby please don't go
Did you lie or did you cry in the shower all alone, never was it known...
Your best friend begged me stay with him, I found a place deep within, wrote down my thoughts on how much i loved you. Let my heart fall into something brand new, something I didn't know would end soon.
Now I miss the fall.

While it lasted it was beautiful, as good as any love should be, but you had to go become a man and make a mess out of me.
Fading faded gone, not a moment too slow. tears turned to anger, mistrust took over as she cried into the arms of a man who was mine and she fed him every "im so sad" line. And she captured his heart in the fall.

2003 in the state of Ohio, isn't even a time. its just a place that I cant drive by without the tears of 3 long years sweetly falling from my eyes.
They fall. From my eyes.

Because, he asked me to.

So, this is a favor for a friend, but I figure anyone else who wants in on the info, will enjoy it to...if that's anyone...
So here are the "Backround thoughts" to the songs on my CD "Blankets of Emotion"

1.) The Paige Song- Paige is one of the funnies people i have ever met in my life, The song is about 1st times for everything, but also it has so many hidden meanings in it. This song is my most "Clever song" The meanings are in places that no one would realize and I like it that way, it holds a special place in my heart, as does Paige. But it also has to do with letting people go. Letting friends move on, drifiting away and moving to new friends. No matter what you do or say, there is a point in life where you have to let people go. This song was my way of letting go and growing up...realizing it was time to branch out and make new friends, while remembering the sweet times i had shared with my best friends to date.
:)

2.) Beautiful Girl- Beautiful Girl is one of the most honest songs I think i have ever written. It's a song about wanting someone and coming to t erms with the fact that you're not always going to be #1. There's going to be someone taller, thinner, nicer, hotter, and ....no matter what you do....short of changing yourself, you're left hopeless sometimes. I wrote it in between relationships, a little about the ex boyfriend and a little about the guy I liked...Neither one of them gave me the attention I felt I deserved and I was frustrated. I felt like not only am i not the most beautiful girl in the world, but there is someone out there better....someone out there they desire more than me...
A lot of it is about defining a relationship. I wanted a "name" on things. I was tired of being wishy washy. "I'm only famous in your bed" what a controversial line for me. hahahha....the line really is just a meaning that I'm only your favorite when we're alone, aside from that I'm not the most beautiful girl. But The line in every chorus is "Foolishly I believe you'll turn around and my prayers will turn out alright" I just wanted to be loved in a selfless way. Foolishly I believed I could change someone. No worries, I've learned my lesson!

3.)ENOUGH- Ah. The refreshing, I'm walking away from heartbreak song. Its when you're head and your heart don't agree and all you want is someone...the song is about the little things. The blankets, the routine of life, the way feet touch when you snuggle, its about the simplicity of relationships. But then its wondering why in the world you can't let go of the little things and remember the big things that happen that drive you away. Its knowing your better off without someone, but never wanting to face it. Again, missing "whatever sort of rtelationship we've had" its the "defining" things. I wanted a name. I wanted a title. and I couldn't have one. I just wanted to move on so badly and the thought of someone you want is just hanging in your head.

Towards the end I talk abotu the frustrations of not being able to come up with the words to explain tosomeone. I didn't want them to understand me, I wanted hiim to change his mind.

"I love you is too much, but i like you's not enough" - Best line i've ever written. Most honest and deepest line. But yet, along with the song....simple. I wouldn't marry you, but i dont wanna let you go forever either.

Confusion is basically where I was at...but at the end of the song, I "let go" I've missed you enough means, im done missing.

4.) Lonely Anymore- Exactly what it sounds like. I sat on my friend Alex's driveway one starry night and he supported me as I wrote this song. We both laughed as we sulked in our loneliness. He helped me realize I didn't need a guy, I didn't need a new home, I didn't need anything else, I had everything I needed. He saved me from the monster that was eating me....But it was a cry to God to do the same. I needed the "im not good enough monster" to go away. I didn't want to be lonely. I realized that night that God was big enough to make me okay with myself. I didn't go home that night. we laid on the driveway and talked about God. This is a daily battle for me, wanting to not be lonely and wanting a place to be my own. ...I've grown a lot since I've written this song, The struggle is not as strong, but there were a lot of tears that night...and I'll never forget our friend Ryan playing Harmonica with me, i couldn't finish my own song cause it sounded so good with him there.

5.) Wishes- This song is about wishing.... Plain and simple. The words are pretty up front, I liked him and he had no idea, i simply wanted so badly to know if he even felt remotely the same. We were "great friends" and I wondered if he EVER thought of me different. He hadn't and once I told him things got strange. hahaha....the end is mean. I said it pretty straight that I was sick of the games and being tricked and ...so long to you. I acted like a badass. Turns out Im still with him 3 years later. hahahahah. :) But it applies to a lot of relationships, just the wishing for someone before they know and the "obsession" that it becomes, you think about them so much! Back and forth and upsidedown, all the possibilities.....My mind always does that when i find potential in someone. That's what it's about. :)

6.) Sweet Dreams- A love song. If I knew tomorrow wouldn't come, these were the words I needed to say to him. I needed him to know. There really is no explanation other than i felt I could go to sleep and not worry he wouldn't know the way I felt if I never woke up. I was going through a really tough time, and somedays I didn't know if tomorrow was going to come...He was my saving grace and this song told the story. If you listen to the bass line, it sounds like a funeral march, I was unaware of that when I wrote it, but realized later, that it was powerful to a lot of poeple. :)

7.) The Price You Pay- Its the breakup song...I wrote it MAD at the world. Its don't make fun of me, dont bring me down to a bad person, but stop expecting so much from me when you just broke my heart! I knew I could never be mad at the person I wrote this for forever. I'd always have a place in my heart for him and whatever, thats the price you pay when you start relying on someone and feel they're perfect, you come to find that they're not...and you're let down.
It was a therapeutic song for me, it let me let go. my voice usually goes away when I sing it and im usually worn out....and that's how i felt when I wrote it. Worn out and just done.

8.) Scream- Scream is a call out to God. That if he wants my innocence, He needs to tell me how to keep it, cause I was losing it. I wanted so badly to be good and innocent but then there were so many temptations in my life at that point to just give in to a lot of things. It's a song that is calling out to God to just GET THROUGH to me, whatever he had to do, get through. I needed him to scream, but it was in realization of the Cross, and all of creation that he had screamed. He had given me everything I could hope for....and I was the one missing it! He had screamed, i just had to listen. Upon realizing that, I found that my task at hand, was to encourage other people to listen. And thats why it says "God for your name I want nothing but to scream" I want to tell people about Jesus, forgiveness and all the amazing things that come with Christ, but come also with a price of challenging ourselves to keep our innocence.



Hope this is good enough explanation for you....there are new songs, hopefully a new cd coming...If you want to hear the songs, go to facebook and look me up ashleigh douglas and there should be a flag by my name, all my songs are on my fan website. Be a fan of me :)
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE


Im not a negative person, its just that music is the way i express negative stuff, so i come off that way!
Ashleigh

8.)

God? Are you playing Games???

Today has been a PERFECT day. Sure, its had its hiccups, but i have been happy all day, productive, organized and purely purely happy.

I absolutely love this day.


The feeling in the pit of my stomach right now is.....


" God gives us good days, Thank Him". Good days make me wonder what God is up to and what's about to come....


I am truly a girl who FEARS my LORD.

"He has plans to prosper you, not to harm you"
...I guess it will be fine.
I'll continue whistling, being productive and having an awesome day.


:) Hope the same is for you :)

Things are....looking up? I think.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
A lot about my job, my life, my future, that scrapbook I'm trying to do...and I truly have come to realize I am never gonna get it.

I talked to Fr. Mike and Sr. Virginia about my struggles, odds are I just needed to get it all off my chest. I talked to the principal about how can we get kids coming to youth groups, i talked to parish council....I talked. I told people. Sunday is only a few days away. We'll see what happens. I don't hate my job. I don't hate ministry, i just don't know how much longer I want to do it professionally. But regardless, it's where I am right now, and I have kids that are trusting me and looking at me for guidance to Jesus. And I have convinced myself that until I do my best, I have not done my job. So i press on.

My life...Isn't it amazing how a song can bring back memories of past? I was listening to Graham Colton Band today "Morning Light " It took me back to a kitchen in a high school in South Carolina, it took me back to long long long bus rides and intense talks with people who were strangers merely weeks before,
it took me back to a summer love that IS OVER. Why can we not remember the ending but only the good times when we hear music? I made the choice...I am happy....but still I remember the rush of good conversation, a summer of questions and traveling around the East Coast with 10 of the most amazing people I have ever met. Swimming, running, singing, dancing, praising God....What an amazing and emotional 30 minute ride to Hannibal with that song on repeat can make.


" Everything you feel.saying what is real. Dont go away. Say you'll stay til the morning light, and don't fade away into gray standing in the light. I tried to smile and laugh as you turned away but I was bleeding. Everyting I feel. I make believe is real. Dont go away. Say you'll stay til the morning light. "


But it was good. All of it. It was good.


As for my future I finally feel that I know where it lies. I went to Edwardsville for the weekend. We competed in Pom, got 3rd place which is alright, it was our first competition. But I went with that on hand but the majority of my excitement landed in seeing Christopher...I basically slept for the 4 days I was there. I have never felt so sick in my life. Couldn't taste, smell, breathe...I was coughing like crazy....stupid stupid stupid. But he rubbed my head, didn't wake me up, made me oatmeal, warmed up my car when I had to be at competition at 7 a.m., found me cough drops tissues and always made sure my toes were covered when I was sleeping....and I love him. I cried for appx. 1 hour after i left cause I am so sick of leaving him. I know its kind of babyish, but I just want to see him for once without the minutes that I have left passing by so quickly everytime I am there. But whatever. I was more upset because unless I go back this weekend ($$$$) I won't see him til March 8th. :0!!! Yikes. It's not even Feb. yet! So anyways, point being...I'm ready for him to be done with school, ready to figure out our lives and ready...just ready to be able to be with him for longer than 3 days with a 2 month break in between.

He makes me happy.



As for everything else in my life...I for the most part cannot complain. I have realized over the last week how blessed I am, I just need to be focusing on the blessings instead of the things that are bugging me. I thought i learned that a long time ago.
Christopher's sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this Summer :) HOORAY!
Now I just have to decide if I am going to be on team for CHWC again this summer.?!!?!?

We shall see. we shall see.

If I were a quitter.....I would quit.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging and the worst of my life.


I just need somewhere to get this all out. I hate my job(s) Can I say that? Can I hate ministry? I thought I would love it I thought I would make it fun, I thought I could get through this. I hate coaching.

No one showed up for middle school last night....now I know its not about numbers, but it is when the attendance is 0. High school was 5. my 5 regulars who proceeded to tell me confirmation class was boring and they are bored with it. I've run out of ideas. I'm sitting here, emotionally and spiritually drained with no faith in a God who got me here and I have nowhere to go.

In the past year we have had 5 girls quit pom. For reasons that I am unaware of ( just not fun anymore, grades are dropping, my uncle is dying, that one was a lie, and family issues) the 6th is about to quit because she doesn't like her place in the competition routine formation. Her mom called and said unless she gets put in the front, she's quitting....awesome. I'm not okay with letting someone threaten me and having control over the way I coach. My other coach, who I love deeply, thinks that we should change the formation because we can't lose anymore girls, considering we go to competition in less than 1 week. ?!?!?!?!?!?!? I just don't agree, but I don't want to lose anymore girls either....I guess there are rumors going around about our coaching and how we must be doing something terribly wrong because a lot of people are quitting....but all we've tried to do was push them to be their best. They wanted 1st place adn we've tried to get them there.

I'm ready for an 8-5 m-f job and a personal life with people who understand me. I want the pressure of being a youth minister and a coach to be gone. I can't stand it and it is making me into a bitter faithless person. I am not where I want to be but is it possible to serve God outside the church? I've convinced myself "no." But I want to so bad. I want to so so so so so bad. One year. That's the time when I decide. I can't go on like this much longer.


Ashleigh