I don't hate what I am doing.
However, I am terribly lonely. My job has had its ups and downs and ya know, I expected that. And now, things are going really well. I am okay with 10 kids. Not content, but I value them. More than they even know.
But I began the search . Fr. Mike asked me if we could get together to sign next years contract. I said I needed some time. SO I took the time, I have been praying hard about where God wants me, but someitmes I feel that God speaks to us in the most silent of ways and the deepest desires of our hearts.
I desire to know him more. I desire to lead others to him...but most of all I desire to have the relationship with Him that I had before I was in ministry as a profession. I understand that I cannot blame my wanting to change jobs and such on God. and I have no intention to...however, I feel like i have to look out for myself and I know at this point that my faith is far from spiritual. It reflects only in actions that have become a front of how much I "know" Christ.
I am so lonely. I desire to do something crazy. I have no attachments right now, no husband, no children no family to tend to adn provide for adn I feel like it's the only time in my life where I am going to be able to do things like give my music a shot, live in a crappy apartment and be broke, and be happy because I am doing something I have dreamed about doing since I was little.
I want to be young. Right now, i am in bed by 10, no friends in the area to hang out with or even have a random lunch with and then to work, that I am isolated from everyone at, then home, make dinner for myself a little american idol...and off to bed. only to do the same thing the next day. An every 3 week visit with the best guy in the world pulls me through..but leaves me in tears every time he leaves.
So. I have decided to move.
I am going to try something new. and i am going to do it without regret. I am going to volunteer and I am going to do something good for the world becasue i desire to and not because i get a paycheck for it.
I hope I don't let anyone down.
2 comments:
Hey you should look into YWAM, Youth With a Mission and think about doing a short term mission trip. My good friend did a long term mission with YWAM, but now they offer short term as well. It gives you a new perspective on life to go to other countries and see how they live and minister to them. Please consider it! I'd say I'd miss you if you moved, but I probably wouldn't see you any less than I do now!! I agree with you that this is the time to experience life. I love to travel and experience other cultures, so I would push you in that direction!!
I forgot to mention that YWAM's web address is www.ywam.org
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