Chicago...

I don't hate what I am doing.
However, I am terribly lonely. My job has had its ups and downs and ya know, I expected that. And now, things are going really well. I am okay with 10 kids. Not content, but I value them. More than they even know.

But I began the search . Fr. Mike asked me if we could get together to sign next years contract. I said I needed some time. SO I took the time, I have been praying hard about where God wants me, but someitmes I feel that God speaks to us in the most silent of ways and the deepest desires of our hearts.
I desire to know him more. I desire to lead others to him...but most of all I desire to have the relationship with Him that I had before I was in ministry as a profession. I understand that I cannot blame my wanting to change jobs and such on God. and I have no intention to...however, I feel like i have to look out for myself and I know at this point that my faith is far from spiritual. It reflects only in actions that have become a front of how much I "know" Christ.


I am so lonely. I desire to do something crazy. I have no attachments right now, no husband, no children no family to tend to adn provide for adn I feel like it's the only time in my life where I am going to be able to do things like give my music a shot, live in a crappy apartment and be broke, and be happy because I am doing something I have dreamed about doing since I was little.

I want to be young. Right now, i am in bed by 10, no friends in the area to hang out with or even have a random lunch with and then to work, that I am isolated from everyone at, then home, make dinner for myself a little american idol...and off to bed. only to do the same thing the next day. An every 3 week visit with the best guy in the world pulls me through..but leaves me in tears every time he leaves.


So. I have decided to move.
I am going to try something new. and i am going to do it without regret. I am going to volunteer and I am going to do something good for the world becasue i desire to and not because i get a paycheck for it.

I hope I don't let anyone down.

Where do you draw the line?

Today I was faced with something I didn't want to be faced with..but I had to be so I was.


I was put in a situation where the girls I coach got in some trouble *or their parents did* and got QND kicked out of all hotels in the Champaign area. Now, there were high school girls with college drunk guys in hotel rooms alone, parents taking shots...and then....there were pictures put up on myspace for the world to see.
Mind you we are a Catholic High School. So, did I have a right, should I have gone off on them the way I did? I told them that Catholic meant they were followers of Christ and they were misrepresenting his name. I felt like I had to. But was I out of line? I am so confused. I feel like being a Christian in this world is getting harder every day. I feel God giving me strength but I dont want people to think that I feel I am better than them. That is never my intention. When do you stand back and when do you step in? Was I right to voice my opinion as I was embarassed to be an alum of QND? Or should I have let it go and left it to the parents to discipline their children.


It's time for a vacation. I can't see one in the near future. But I really need to get away. Any advice, imput, thoughts would be great.
thanks.

my new song....

2003 in the State of Ohio, porch swing cradled my fall
Fall nights with a chill blankets warmer still
Conversations of tears and denial
I told you i did not love him, you told me she'd never stay
But did you lie, make me cry was i right or clearly wrong. Why is she not gone?
You whispered love you baby doll, surprising you against the law.
T.V. lights invade a dark room. A dark room that held both her and you.
Now I miss the fall.

2003 in the State of Ohio, your momma never did tell.
Of the nights i spent there with you the cereal and breakfast food, we became a family so soon.
Birthdays came with added fear, how long could you keep me near
21 underneath the dark moon.
Is where I told you I could not love you, you begged baby please don't go
Did you lie or did you cry in the shower all alone, never was it known...
Your best friend begged me stay with him, I found a place deep within, wrote down my thoughts on how much i loved you. Let my heart fall into something brand new, something I didn't know would end soon.
Now I miss the fall.

While it lasted it was beautiful, as good as any love should be, but you had to go become a man and make a mess out of me.
Fading faded gone, not a moment too slow. tears turned to anger, mistrust took over as she cried into the arms of a man who was mine and she fed him every "im so sad" line. And she captured his heart in the fall.

2003 in the state of Ohio, isn't even a time. its just a place that I cant drive by without the tears of 3 long years sweetly falling from my eyes.
They fall. From my eyes.